Pulled out to Sea

Todays Sunrise, Anchorage Alaska

Anxiety finally set in, I'm leaving Anchorage in about two weeks.  I made it through today but it felt as if I was being pulled into an undercurrent throughout the day.  I worry about a new job and how it will all come together and then I think .... It's coming together just relax, easier said then done.  I remember when Ryan didn't make the cut after a seasonal job with Amazon, he went to a temp agency that day. Ryan never suffered about being layed off from work he just found a way to keep working until he was rehired by Amazon.  I marveled at his mental endurance.  Many people, me included would have taken time to regroup. Ryan just kept things moving along, always optimistic.  I feel urged to move forward and my move is coming together, an adventure.  Tonight as I write this I'm not feeling anxious anymore, but optimistic like Ryan and curious about all the new adventures awaiting me.

constant change

Anchorage, Alaska 10/23/2016

Things are constantly changing you have to make a story line with a satisfying beginning middle and end.  I've always played the game of life like bumper cars, just bumping along.  I am in the midst of making conscience decisions.  To make a new start you have endings first.  Endings can be difficult. I'd like to think I'm making the best of my endings and I feel supported by those I'm leaving behind.  In today's world you can be in contact with anyone anytime, so its not like we have to correspond through the postal service.  Nevertheless things will not be the same.  I woke to a snow storm on Friday and when it lifted on Saturday it was beautiful.  Today is Sunday and it feels really cold.  I am looking forward to milder weather, and more sunshine with a side of extra happy please.

Strong Soldiers

Anchorage 10/15/2016

As I drove by a church today the marquee outside read :  God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers.  I feel battle worn today, but I'm still moving forward.  Thoughts of days ahead spin in my mind and I wonder what Ryan is doing and thinking and does he know I'm thinking of him?  I'm hopeful he is too busy being happy to wonder about me.  I have packed boxes, made arrangements and bought a ticket to ride, but I still have more to do.  The day outside looked like a fall day from a movie the blue sky against the gold leaves was stunning and it will turn into a crisp clear night with a bright full moon.  The northern lights have made appearances the last few nights and it really is phenomenal.  I stopped by a favorite downtown shop and saw a friend I have known since highschool, we hugged almost forever.  It was wonderful to see her and we promised each other we would have dinner together soon.  It seems I always think there will be more time, another occasion to visit but what I have learned is no moment repeats, its just this once and then the next one and so on.  I recommend to myself that I would appreciate each individual moment for the unique and beautiful moment that it is, never to repeat.  What a beautiful moment it was and I'm hopeful for more even if they are different.

Down the Rabbit Hole

sunrise, view from work 

When was the last time you jumped down a rabbit hole?  Well here I go.  Nervous you ask, no not really.  I feel hopeful, hopeful in a new way.  Hopeful for new beginnings and adventures.  I'm emotionaly Raw and ready for change.  Don't be sad, it's an exciting day and you only live once.  Anchorage I will enjoy you a while longer but our time is growing short and so are your daylight hours and that has me seeking sunshine somewhere else.  Today I'll enjoy old friends and look forward to new ones.  No distance will keep friends apart we are only as far away as our hearts let us be, and my heart beats now for some that are far away.

The speed of life.

Work Selfie 10/2016

I had made my mind up that I wanted a new life before I landed in the place I had once loved.  When I arrived at work early Wednesday morning I opened my locker and was surprised with streamers, confetti and a great card complete with mermaid and unicorn drawings.  I Love my work family, we are great friends and we really have a good time together.  The problem isn't you, It's me and I like to drink my coffee outside, watching the birds with the morning sun. If you can't tell I've decided to leave Alaska, leave my life ... my life that hasen't been my life for awhile.  It was strange to walk back into my life after six months of not having my normal routine, nothing seems normal about my routine now.   What am I in search of you ask?  I want it all!  I want a life full of fun, happiness, warmth, friends and family.  You see life goes by really fast ..... and I want to participate at the speed of life ... and that's really fast ... Today I will get sweaty, I'll eat healthy and I will smile ..... alot ... I hope you will too.

last night

Sedona, Arizona 10/3/2016

The sky looked amazing as usual, Pam pulled the car over and I took this photo on our way to dinner.  I'm Currently in Seattle waiting for the next flight, the flight to Anchorage.  I have felt anxious all day and the thoughts about landing in the life I left 6 months ago are racing through my mind.  I'll get back late this evening and head to work early, hit the ground running as they say.  I wonder if my favorite Pilates class is full and will I be off work in time to attend the Pilates class?  Normal thoughts from 6 months ago.. Somehow I feel like an invader in someone else's life though.  I'll let y'all know how it goes ... please wish me luck .... I think I'll need it.

Unknown

Fall colors 9/2016
Flagstaff, Arizona

As I notice the the colors changing in the foliage around me I'm aware of the changes within me.  I'm currently listening to a song that says:

1, 2, 3 Let go...theres nothing that you can't do ... the only way to know 1, 2, 3 let go......  Let her fly into the unknown .....  

So here I go ..... Happy Sunday everyone lets all have an adventure today because there's nothing we can't do........

Road trips and good friends

Flagstaff Arizona 9/30/2016

Yesterday my friend Pam and I drove to Flagstaff, we turned the music up and sang all the way there.  The drive was beautiful and the sky looked like an art show the whole day.  We visited cool shops, then stopped for a mojito at a Latin grill.  I sat under the outdoor heater while drinking my summer cocktail pretending I was still in the Texas heat.  Today we are contemplating another road trip, whatever the day has in store we will be together and we will laugh and hold hands and hang on, because that's what friends are for....

Life's tough my darling, but so are you.

Sedona, Arizona 9/20

Life's tough my darling, but so are you.  

Sadness flowed through yesterday, actually it started the day before and lasted about 24 hours.  This morning I feel relief, and am drinking coffee with a slight smile.  The tears started and nausea set in and I felt as if I had been hit by a truck.  The Sedona sky was overcast and it rained on and off all day and into the evening, I'm sure it was the dessert feeling empathetic for me.  The Sedona sky is blue this morning the red rocks are gleaming the trees are green and gold, and I'm feeling alive.   Today Life is good.  The sun is creeping over the mountains soon to warm the day and I'm looking forward to that. I'm hopeful we'll all have a great Friday with friends and sunshine and laughing, that's going to be my prescription today.   

Best Life

Jerome, Arizona 9/27/2016

Yesterday involved a trip to a funky town called Jerome. I've been to Jerome before and each time I go its a new experience, I recommend a visit if you ever have the oppuritunity.  Jerome is an old mining town built on a mountain Dr. Suess style.  I planned on buying feather earrings made by one of the local Hippy's but left Jerome purchasing only a great dress.  My friends and I had lunch in an old hotel called the Asylum its haunted of course, what decent old hotel would'nt be haunted?  Halloween is big business in Jerome and everywhere you looked someone was decorating for Halloween.  My friends and I had a fun, relaxing day.  I'm not sure what today has in store, the day will unfold organically and I love that, plans are sometimes overrated my opinion.  Right now on a bigger scheme I'm planning for my future, What will my best life hold for me?  Today lets all think about our best life, what does that look like? I want to live in technicolor with a side of sunshiny happiness .... Can this be our reality ...the answer is simple ..... YES!

Jerome, Az jail ... 

Resilience, stress and hope

Sedona sunset 9/25/2016

Ryan left three weeks ago, it feels like yesterday and a lifetime all at once.  I recently saw a documentary on resilience, stress and hope.  The documentary implied we are not born with resilience but that it is a skill we develop over time from stress.  I can recall a social worker telling me how to decrease stress by using deep breathing techniques in the early nineties when Ryan was diagnosed with his first type of cancer.  Resilience is an interesting topic and one I would like to explore in depth.  Perhaps I have developed resilience and I believe Ryan most certainly demonstrated resilience.  I think resilience is something that can be fine tuned at the very least, a healthy body and mind will help the situation for sure.  Not everyone has that luxury though, and Ryan still accomplished resilience lacking the healthy body.  Today I still have rogue emotions that flow through, restless sleeping patterns and the aftermath of a traumatic event but I'm doing OK.  I'm going to continue to be resilient and I hope you are too.

My heart is drenched in wine.....

My friend is a wine collector, his collection is vast and includes wines from all over the world.  I don't consume much alcohol, but it is such a privalage to be able to experience the decadent, delicious variety of wine he selects and share in his experience and collection.  Some friends of my friends drove in yesterday and we all went to dinner at an obscure out of the way restaurant.  The tree lined streets were beautiful with vineyards every few miles, and it was refreshing to see what looked like the hill country landscape I had become accustomed to.  upon arrival wine was flowing and the Italian restaurateur delivered a bottle for me to taste, he said it was special and not on the menu and he just wanted me to try it.  I drank small sips, very slowly hoping I would be able to stand later, I never ate much food but what I had was incredible.  Last night is like a metaphor for my current situation, I'll just take small sips of life and go slow .... Hopefully I'll be able to stand.  Today lets all try and go slow if we can, take small conscious sips of life and be happy.

Hot Tea

Hot Tea in Sedona

It's sunday morning and the blue sky against the red rock is the first thing I focus on when I open my eyes.  The house I'm staying in has won design awards and the floor to ceiling windows that back up to the red mountains don't disappoint with the most spectacular view.  Besides waking up at three am to paint my fingernails I slept.  I'm having a cup of hot tea produced by a local tea maker and the aroma and flavor are lovely.  Today I'm feeling gratful.  Grateful for friends who stand in silence with me.  Sometimes there just aren't words, instead of an awkward silence, a good friend will just hold you in silence.   It feels like love.  As I write this post the sun is creeping over the mountain, soon to rise above everything and deliver its warm rays to me.  Today I hope to be warm and loved and I know I will be.

Saturday

Leaf in water puddle on rock

I hiked in flip flops, my Pilates instructor should be proud.  It's been 5 months since I've had a real Pilates class but the core is still strong and the toes gripped the rocks like a champ.  I recommend better foot gear though and I will be bringing sneakers next time.  Sedona beauty is no disappointment it's jaw dropping speldor is amazing.  It seems like I feel more relaxed with each breath.  I tried to post earlier today, but the wi-fi would not cooperate.  It's been a lovely vacation day and I'm retiring to rock star quarters complete with the largest bathtub that's about to be filled with bubbles and me.  I hope you've had a great Saturday, I'll be storing this one in my memory bank.

Vacation

Sedona, 9/22/2016

The shuttle bus dropped me off in front of a local hotel, I was delayed a bit in calling for my pickup because I lost cell service, finally I had one bar on the phone and was able to place the call.  I waited, and noticed I was shivering, I looked at my weather app.... 62 degrees.  Wow, 62 degrees it has been a long time since I was in anything other than hot, hot, hot!  My friends arrived and we hugged and cried and I danced happily in the hotel driveway while we loaded my suitcases.  The first thing I requested was food.  We ate and drank and hugged it was a great evening.  We returned to the house, sat outside and watched the stars peek through the clouds.  It has been five months since my friends and I have been face to face and I have lived a lifetime in that amount of time, I feel like a different person and the same one all at once. Sedona is beautiful, and I'm being spoiled and I will enjoy my time.  I've already cried today telling my friend about the last moments of Ryan's life.   Today I will be transitioning to Sedona life, and I will enjoy myself.  Ryan wherever you are I'm really on vacation today and I hope you are too.

Too Soon

DFW Airport 9/22/2016

The birds were happily singing as I left the ranch this morning.  Mom and Dad helped me load my bags in the truck and the sun was already putting out a bit of heat.  Mom and I held hands as we left the ranch, it was a touching moment and one I don't want to forget.  The recent news of the tragic loss of  Mom & Dads champion Brittney Spaniel pup shook us to the core. The loss is so soon on the heals of losing Ryan, too much to take on mentally.  So mom and I held hands and drove.  I'm headed to Sedona to meet friends and heal a bit.  The overhead announcements at the airport have my nerves on alert, not to mention the latte I just downed.  I'm excited and nervous and sad and happy all at once.  Today lets try and be patient, patient with ourselves and others.  Looks like I'll need you cheering me on today!

Friends

Downtown Hico Texas, 9/21/2016

As I said "see ya later" to Texas friends today, I felt sad. The community I've built here is genuine, loving and I will miss everyone tremendously.   I'll be traveling to Sedona Arizona tomorrow.  My Sedona trip is a generous gift from close friends who forwarded a ticket to my inbox and said "please come for relaxation and renewed headspace."  Sedona is a magical place, with beautiful red mountains and a mystic vibe.  I consider myself blessed beyond words to have friends everywhere.  If you are having trouble finding friends let me suggest that you get yourself in gear and go find your tribe.  Join the gym, take a class, get involved at church.  Put yourself out there .... maybe just a little. It can feel nervy, and scary but trust me the pay off is worth it.  Faith, family and friends ... As my life is unfolding in new directions, I feel uneasy and excited and I'm looking forward to a little Sedona magic.  I'm hopeful you will come along for the ride.

Navigating

The Ranch at Hico 9/2016

It's been two weeks today since my favorite guy left planet earth.  I still feel a bit lost, especially when I'm driving, he always navigated for me.  Navigating life feels different now, somehow everything changed all at once, kinda like a light switch clicking on.  

“It is not required that we know all of the details about every stretch of the river. Indeed, were we to know, it would not be an adventure, and I wonder if there would be much point in the journey.” 
― Jeffrey R. Anderson

Today I will explore.  I am going to navigate myself, and I am going to be just fine.  Lets be brave today, and try and enjoy the adventure of life.

Life Movies

The sunlight is streaming in the windows and it feels like summer instead of fall.  My head is playing like a movie reel, and the special showing is my life. What was, what could be and how to move past greif.  I keep telling myself as I wake up frequently throughout the night with the movie playing, to relax and get some rest.  Rest doesn't come easy now, and I'm no expert but I bet that's pretty normal for my circumstances.  Lets all have a peaceful day, one

filled with lots of laughter and good thoughts.

Flowering plant, Rusty Ridge Ranch 2016

Places

bailed hay, Hico Texas 9/2016

The rolling hills, blue sky's and even the pickup trucks have all become comforting to me.  I arrived here, out of my element, displaced, a bit angry.  Today I am sad to think about leaving.  This surprises no one more than me.  I will be kind to myself and try not to rush things, It's been home for several months and it still is today.  I'm hopeful for new beginings, it will seem new no matter the circumstances.  Lets all try something new today, it may be the best thing you ever do.

Anchor

Family, 9/14/2016

Anchor during rough waters, that's my family.  The group pictured above is an exceptional anchor.  Look at the smiles, on perhaps the saddest day of my life.  The love poured over me was amazing.  The mood was a conscious decision, we were all sad.  The smiles are not fake, they are real and so were the tears.  Smiles prevailed however and you know smiles are the best.  Today I'm back at the ranch, sitting on the porch.  Most of the hummingbirds have migrated to warmer weather, even though it feels perfect to me. As I write this two hummingbirds buzzed by letting me know some of them are still around. The yard looks like spring again because of all the rain, a gentle breeze is blowing.   Life is going on all around, I'm a bit slow to join.  Today I'll try to join in life a little more than yesterday and that's all I'll ask of myself .... lets all try and live a little more today ... I'll be cheering us on.

30 years

30 red balloons being released, for Ryan's 30 years of life.

I have never spoken in a public forum. I felt Ryan's graveside service should be personal to him alone. I started his service off with the below speech. I feel like he would approve of yesterdays events, here's what I said:

One of the last things I said to Ryan was “ if you leave first I’ll see you in a little while”  I know this is true and today as I stand here, I can feel him all around me. I feel him in the love being poured over me by our family and friends.  On a recent day in the hospital a physician and a group of medical students stopped by ryan's room and asked us a myriad of questions about ryan's extensive medical history. Upon departing our room the physician said “ you are a most unique character.”  I thought to myself..”you have no idea”  Ryan was so unique..in just about every since of the word.  One of my favorite and most profound stories to tell about Ryan’s simple take on things is a story from when he was around the age of 4.  It was at the end of a brutal treatment regimen.  Ryan's physician came to his hospital room to give us the news that his battered body could tolerate no more treatment, upon hearing this news I started to cry and seeing me cry Ryan started crying.  I was crying for all the reasons you might imagine, I was scared for his future, afraid for what might happen, upset that this was the end.  Ryan on the other hand when I asked him why he was crying he said he was afraid, and when I asked what he was afraid of….. (I was expecting an answer along the lines of what I was thinking).... Ryan simply said snakes. He’s afraid of snakes.  I stopped crying and started laughing.  I’m afraid of snakes also I said, and we left it at that.  Ryan was born in Anchorage and we traveled to Fort Worth for his pediatric cancer diagnosis at the age of 2 1/2, upon completion of treatment we returned to Anchorage to live a somewhat normal adolescence and teen existence.  Ryan was no stranger to struggle most things were a little more difficult for him, but if he was passionate he persevered. Ryan was always available to lend an ear, for as long as you needed he would listen interjecting appropriate words during periodic moments just so you knew he was listening all the while sending you quite comforting thoughts.  He was a simple guy and a rock star all at once.  Ryan touched more lives than he knew, Just the knowledge of his fearless walk through difficult times inspired everyone who knew even a part of his story.  When Ryan picked me up from the airport not even five short months ago we held hands, not even speaking for a long time.  There are no words in the vocabulary that would have been sufficient.  Both of us knew it was going to be the wildest ride of our lives and all we could do was hang on, so we clung to each other.  I have the deepest connection with his soul and we love beyond boundaries.  The last few months have been the most beautiful gift, a long goodbye; painful, joyful, and every emotion in between.  The Love flows still, and it will continue, Forever.  Im sure you can feel it now. I am blessed beyond all measure to have called Ryan mine.  No amount of time would have been enough with this gentle, stoic soul.  I look forward to seeing his smile again and I know he will be there to greet me.

I'd like to thank everyone for attending Ryan's graveside service, it was Ryan’s wish to be laid to rest here.  The plot is a gift from a long departed Great Grandfather who had the insight and kindness to keep us all together in one final resting place.  I’d like to invite others to tell a story or say something they recall about my favorite guy.  

Full Heart

Rusty Ridge Ranch, sunrise 9/14/2016

The sun keeps coming up, and going down then repeating.  It's hard to believe that it's been a week and one day since Ryan went home, leaving me on planet earth. Mom sent this photo from the ranch of today's sunrise.  It's just breathtaking.  Texas hill country is spectacular, if you have the chance it's a fun place to visit.  My phone has been steadily dinging with messages of Love, and each message feeds my soul.  I arrived in Texas 5 months ago with a few things and an unknown outcome. I can tell you this today.  I will always need less things and more Love.  Love is where it's at.  Clean jeans, oh well.  Supportive hug...yes please.  Don't get me wrong, clean jeans are nice.  Today I hope we all find soul nourishing support and Love.  If messages of Love are not dinging into your currant situation please know, I have plenty to share and my heart is full.  I feel strong, supported and loved.  I have grace and strength from above, and today I will tell my guy goodbye again, but only for a little while.

It takes a lifetime.....

Some of the Kilpatrick girls 9/2016

On a recent evening, one that didn't involve any plans, this happened:

 I drove from the ranch into Fort Worth and I arrived at my Aunt and Uncle's.  I met my aunt Betty on her front porch as she was trying to call the power compny because the power was out.  I said if there's no power then it must be time for cocktails.  Every problem is an opportunity waiting to happen.  As the evening started it was just us, then more of our clan descended and pretty soon it was a full blown tribute dinner to our sweet Ryan. We laughed, told stories and cried.  It was a great evning.  Today was like that evening again, as my family rallied around me, helping me get through the toughest role of my life.  Tomorrow we will lay our sweet Ryan to rest, undoubtedly one of the toughest days I will ever face.  But this I know:  I have my faith, I have my Family and I have my friends and I will see my Ryan again.  It will be just a bit longer for me, But I'll get there and he will be waiting.

Cars.....

Heidi's 2nd Birthday Party

When Ryan was three years old a family member purchased a motorized Power Wheels Corvette for him.  The little Corvette had an electric motor that you plugged in to an outlet to charge.  Ryan loved this car and he would ride the car up and down the sidewalks, in the park, anywhere he could.  Ryan loved that little corvette and thought so fondly of the toy car that he has been planning on getting my cousins daughter a Power Wheels car for her birthday.  Today was The party and it was a combined family effort, we made it happen.  Ryan ..... Heidi loves the little car, and it was so great to watch her get in and go.  Good job on a great gift.  Today involved another automobile mishap, Ryan's truck overheated and is awaiting diagnosing at a place called Billy Jack's in Hico.  It looked like Billy Jack was pretty busy (car's everywhere) so mom rented a car for me (thank you Mom & Dad) and I made it to the birthday party in Fort Worth with time to spare, Whew!  Everything feels a little crazy right now, I'm rolling with the days but I'm feeling a bit dizzy.  Lets all step back and take a deep breath.  I for one want to breath it all in, but not fall over in the process.

Moments full of you.

The Ranch at Hico 9/10/2016

For the rest of my life I will search for moments full of you.

- Anyomous 

I took the above photo yesterday on an exploration trek around the ranch with my sweet cousin Kasey.  The empty boat felt significant, and looked beautiful against the weathered wood and rocks.  It seemed like a metaphor of my current situation.  I have no doubt I'm being held afloat by grace.  Today I'll try and look for the moments full of you, and smile.  

Every last detail....

I arrived back at the ranch today, it was quiet when I threw my bags down in the room that I have been sharing with Ryan. I had received a call earlier today that I didn't pick up in time, and I knew why dads truck was gone when I pulled in.  The call I had missed was from the funeral home and Ryan's ashes were ready to be picked up.  I knew dad was bringing Ryan home.  Shortly after I arrived home mom brought Ryan in to our room, placed him in my arms and I thought I might panic for a brief bit.  I placed Ryan in the leather recliner mom had bought for him, and that he loved.  His remains are still sitting there and I would be lying if I didn't tell you it was making me a little uneasy.  I spent part of the day writing a story about Ryan that I will tell at his graveside service, I'm going to serve Doritos and Dr. Pepper and invite friends and family to tell a favorite story about Ryan, and just have an organic flow.  Nothing stuffy, Ryan was anything but stuffy.  I'm not sure how the week will unfold.  Every thing feels new and like it'ts going in slow motion, that's OK with me I'll savior every drop.  I hope you can have a slow enough day to savoir the best parts, or all the parts..I'm trying to remember every last detail....

Brief Encounters

Thistle along a country road, close to the ranch.

Today I took Ryan's truck to have the oil changed, as I spoke with the young man doing the paperwork he revealed to me that he had recently been playing football and broke a bone.  It turns out it was a form of bone cancer that had been lurking.  He was pleasant and said it was OK, just like Ryan would have said. I gave him a hug.  I'm sure it was no coincidence we met.  I found comfort in our brief encounter and hopefully he can say the same.  The days continue to roll by even if I would like them to stop for brief periods.  I'm still doing OK and I'm being productive.  I'm hopeful for a peaceful weekend, with lots of happy memories swirling in my mind. Lets all try and spread joy this weekend, it sure beats the alternitive.

If you go first I'll see you in a little while..

Family Plot, Fort Worth Texas

Making the most difficult arrangements today, I must have help from above because I am completely composed.  I sent this in a text to a friend today,  You are supported more than you know was the response my friend texted back.  I met my parents at the place we will hold Ryan's graveside service, my cousin Kasey drove and held my hand, it was one of the best parts about today.   The gentleman who helped us had lost a son named Ryan in an automobile accident 15 years ago.  He teared up, taking my hand and explaining to me how to get through this difficult time.  I teared up also, but it was out of empathy for him.  The place where my heart is to be buried is beautiful. The plot is a gift from a long departed Great Grandfather who had the insight and kindness to keep us all together in one final resting place.  Today I know one thing, my favorite guy went first and we had a deal.  It was one of the last things I said to him.  "If you go first, I'll see you in a little while."  Lets try and notice the little things that make us happy today, I for one will be on the lookout.  

Roads

Ranch Road 9/7/2016

Today was a slow start, I moved from the bed to a comfy reading chair in the room Ryan and I had been sharing.  My mom had already been awake for hours and She brought a cup of coffee and a plate of grapes to me.  I sat there for a long while wondering how I would make my legs work.  I took my time sipping the coffee and eating the grapes, lingering in the chair.  After awhile it occurred to me I would like to do something besides be sad.  It was a conscience decision to move, somewhat difficult even.  I got ready for the day and went on with things, and you know I'm OK.  Sadness flows through, but happiness is here also.  I am just walking through the emotional waves like strolling on A beach, sometimes the waves roll in far enough to reach you.  Today I'm choosing to be happy while I acknowledge the sadness of current events.  I hope we can all choose to be happy today, I am sure gonna try.

Taking on Water

sunset 9/5/2016

I took a picture of the evening sky as I left the hospital Monday night, the night nurse encouraged me to get some rest and Ryan was sleeping peacefully so I went back to my hotel room just across the street with the knowledge they would call if any changes occured.  

This statue is dedicated to all the children that enter the hospital with hope.

I took this picture on my way upstairs to Ryan's room today, I admired the bronze statue and what it stood for.  A child with hope entering the hospital, that summed up Ryan even though he was an adult now.  The morning outside was foggy and it felt wet, like we were taking on water.  Little did I know we were sinking. Ryan wasn't able to talk today, but I talked to him and as I did his eyes opened a small amount and tears rolled out.  It was our last goodbye.  Teams of medical professionals tried to no avail to rally his beaten body, but it was futile.  A little before noon today Ryan went home as I held his hand.  The rest of today has been a blur, I'm in shock and disbelief.  when we pulled into the ranch gate mom said "how did we get here?" Ryan's all around, his toothbrush is in the bathroom his clothes in the drawers.  But I have silence in our room.  I can't think anymore tonight but you know if Ryan were hear he would say something funny or uplifting.  I will continue to tell stories here, of my favorite guy and I hope you stick around to hear them.

Cherry Coke

Hospital garden 9/3/2016

I poured most of a cherry coke down the hospital room sink this morning, it had been requested by Ryan on saturday.  The cherry coke was difficult to track down, I felt as if I had won the lottery when I finally located one.  I pored the cherry coke over the small chip hospital ice (one of the best things about hospital living is the small chip ice) stuck a straw in the cup and Ryan finally had a sip, Delicious!  All the other drinks he had tried that Saturday tasted funny because of the medications, it was wonderful that the cherry coke finally tasted right.  Today for a fleeting minute I felt I should save the cherry coke so when he wakes up he can drink the rest of the bottle. I feel alone now, even though many people are around.  Ryan is here but he is sedated for an unknown amount of time.  I look forward to seeing him smile at me, for now though I will just hold his hand and be happy.  

string symphony #6

I've been told that the angels like classical music,  I bet they can hear the music playing from my headphones now, for surely they are the reason I haven't fallen to the floor.  I love the symphony, it usually involves dinner somewhere yummy and you get to dress up.  My friends always purchase season tickets to the symphony and I usually get to tag along.  I wonder if the angels are there to listen during a joyous time?  If you haven't guessed, Ryan is struggling.  Ryan's hospital room was buzy again last night and into today.  Healthcare workers trying to tackle every problem with swift speed.  Ryan and I just held hands.  I remember at some point being thirsty, but there was no time to get water.  I'm waiting now, hoping to see him soon, hoping everything will be OK  and it will be, because something greater than me is here.  I don't know whats in store for today or tomorrow, or the next day.  What I do know is, I love Ryan and he loves me and nothing can change that.  How great is a life that is lived with love, I can think of nothing better.  

you are capable

The Ranch at Hico, spring 2016

I had a meltdown via text recently, my friend responded with three words:  you are capable.  She resent this message several times in a row, you are capable, you are capable, you are capable.  I uttered it to myself until I believed it, then I proceed with the task at hand.  I certainly didn't feel capable at the time her message came in, I felt quite inadaquite and ill prepared for my situation.  You are capable!  I keep saying it over and over.  The last few days have perhaps been some of the most difficult days of my entire life, yet I find myself capable.  Do you know the lyrics to the Beatles song With a little help from my friends, I get by with a little help from my friends, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends.  The song is about love and friends and needing help to get by.  Comfort can be found in small messages, it can carry you through.  You are capable.  You are capable.  You Are Capable, and so am I.

overcast

Hospital courtyard 2016

Today is a little cloudy, I'm pretty sure the weather is a direct reflection of my emotional state.  Yesterday I walked across the expansive hospital campus in search of something to eat.  Along the hospital walkways I noticed flowering sage bushes, birds chirping and a perfectly manicured lawn.  Beautiful gifts from mother nature and a great landscaping team no doubt.  Mom stayed with Ryan yesterday and I ran some errands and took a little break from the hospital. Try as I might to take a break from hospital life, this is where my heart is.  Today Ryan's room is buzzing with healthcare workers, teams of physicians from different specialty's along with medical students one physician noted that Ryan is a most interesting case, I have to agree.

Room with a view...

looking out from Ryan's hospital room 9/1/2016

It felt strange to say goodnight to Ryan and then leave him at the hospital last night.  He was admitted with a myriad of ailments yesterday and it was evening time before they moved his stretcher to the patient room and transferred him to a bed.  I was tired and hadn't noticed how nice the patient room they assigned him was until Ryan said "mom look at how nice this room is."  suddenly I noticed a spacious room with a large window and nice view.  Our visit to the emergency room had lasted all day and into the evening and when the medical team had Ryan feeling a little better he requested a Dr. Pepper (carbonated beverage) I found one in a vending machine outside the emergency room entrance and returned with what is perhaps Ryan's favorite thing.  When he had the first sip of  Dr. Pepper his face sofented and he muttered, so good.  It is a memory worth noting for me, it was just so sweet.  Today Ryan is comfortable and resting, the sounds of the hospital are soothing white noise for me.  It's another sunny day in Texas and I'm going to enjoy being in a sunny room with my favorite guy surrounded by smart friendly people who are helping Ryan feel better.  No matter what your circumstances are today try and look for the best parts, I'll be doing the same.

sunrise

We left the ranch at 7 this morning.  The sun looked like a giant red ball hanging in the sky, I remember saying how pretty it was and then dad said "if only it didn't get so hot."  The sun does get hot in Texas.   Ryan has been feeling really bad and last night was a doozy for the poor guy, so we came to the hospital.   Dad, Ryan and I are currently in the emergency room, Ryan is resting and the ER staff are buzzing in and out.  Yesterday I drove about an hour from the ranch to run errands and Ryan's little truck stopped in the middle of a busy intersection, The story ends with a tow truck.  I don't know what else is in store for us today....but I'm looking for the happy hidden spots, like the volunteer that just offered me coffee....Keep your heads up out there... I'm trying to do the same.

Quiet Places

8/29/2016

I ate an apple on the front porch yesterday evening and watched the sun go down.  The clouds looked beautiful and the way the light came through them reminded me of a masters painting.  The sunset was a spectacular show and I enjoyed every second, it reminded me that endings can be as beautiful as beginnings. This morning I'm hopeful the new day will reset everyone and we will have the best day we can.  Ryan isn't feeling well but his spirts are brite, nevertheless it will be a quiet day.  Today I'll be looking for beauty in all the quiet places.  

Time Flys

Ryan 8/28/2009

Seven years ago, That went quick.... If you have Facebook then maybe you noticed when you log on a memory pops up and a prompt says:  share your memory from ____ years ago.  I was surprized when this popped up.  Seven years ago Ryan was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. We lived in Anchorage at the time. The thyroid cancer was caused from previous childhood cancer treatment.  Ryan was referred to Seattle for treatment because his medical history is complicated and the local physicians didn't feel comfortable.  Seattle was a whirlwind of hospitals and big city.  Seattle was the complete opposite of our current country surrondings. Yesterday Ryan told me he knew it was only a matter of time before another cancer diagnoses came, the Seattle physician had callously said the cancer would be back.  As I reflect on that time seven years ago the things I remember are, a really fun pro baseball game, a yacht cruise, a trip to the top of the space needle, a visit to an aviation museum....lots of fun events.  Our current situation is different from that time, however I want to remember this time fondly, I'm trying to savior each moment.  What a gift life can be if you'll just receive the gift.  It's all in the mindset.  I'm hopeful I can be mindful to accept the gift of today and all the joy it has for me.  I hope the same for you.  

Welcome to your Life

Zinnia's Rusty Ridge Ranch

This morning I'm sitting in the MRI waiting area, my stomach in knots I'm on the verge of tears but I have a big smile on my face.  My grandmother once told me if you smile it's really hard to cry.  The sun is out, the sky is blue and it's a nice temperature out. Practically perfect, except for everything is wrong.  OK  lets focus on the positive.. Before Ryan went into the scan he showed me a video of a really cool cake it was a chocolate cake, but it looked like a barbecue pit. The cake had a hamburger patty made out of marshmallows and roasted corn out of jellybeans.  You get the idea.  Today is like that for me.  I look one way but feel another.  I'm gonna fake the inner chocolate cake vibes and hopefully my BBQ pit self will follow suite.  Lets all have a chocolate cake day, with a side of sunshine.

Walk With Me

walkway made of brick

Everything went great with Ryan's cancer treatment yesterday, as great as that kind of thing can go.  The day had drama, surprise, humor and pain. Ryan says lets focus on the positive things.  We are staying the weekend close to the hospital, with more testing tomorow, kinda like a vacation because there's a hotel involved.  To walk through this illness with him is a life changing privledge.  I'll never be the same and I wish none of this ever happened, but we all know about wishes....... So here we are walking through the fire and if he ever can't walk I'll just carry him.  Today we'll find something fun to do, even if it is nothing, nothing and more nothing.  (nothing is one of Ryan's favorite activities) I'm learning to slow down and enjoy the pace.  Have a great day everyone, we are on vacation here in Texas.   

Texas bull, Rusty Ridge Ranch 2016

Fri-Yay

Ryan 8/26/2016

We left the ranch early today, Labs are drawn and now we are hanging out in our hotel room ... waiting... Lot's of waiting is involved with cancer, or any other health problem I suppose.  Ryan will see the physician soon and proceed with treatment if all goes as planned.  We'll have a good day because we are together and because it's friday.  I've always liked Friday, Happy Fri-YaY!  

Temporary Discomfort

Rusty Ridge Ranch, 8/25/16

I just took the picture posted above, its a beautiful morning and the birds are singing.  I hear dad on the tractor mowing, mom is hanging up birdseed that she puts away every evening.  There's a raccoon family that comes out after dark they love eating the birdseed that gets put away.  The raccoons break through the bungee corded cans and feast.  Sometimes they get stuck in the can and it must be quite uncomfortable with the pressure of the bungee cord and the can lid squishing them.  Nevertheless they persist. 

Raccoon break in.

Temporary discomfort, is it worth it?  I wonder this all the time.  The raccoons don't seem to mind, they are determined to eat the birdseed.  I bet the raccoons don't stop and wonder about what might happen, they just go for it.  Today Ryan and I will get packed up for a hospital visit, we'll be staying a couple of days and hopefully the temporary discomfort will have some beneficial results.   Let's all have the equivalent of a birdseed feast today.

Road Trippin

Hico, Texas cow August 2016

Yesterday I spent over 6 hours driving.  Places I need to go seem to be really far apart.  I've spent most of my life in Anchorage where you can get anywhere in the city in under 30 minutes.  Ryan's hospital visit went great and more testing is scheduled.  The last part of my day was driving to a pharmacy about an hour from the ranch and to my dismay the prescription had not been sent in.  Y'all be proud because I just said thank you and left.  It was too late to call the physician and we just made do with what we had ..But come on..

Poo Emoji Balloon

This poo emoji Ballon was the photo I sent a friend as I left the pharmacy, it sums up my feelings.  Driving has become more routine and the things you see in the country are scenic rolling hill views, with lots of livestock.  It's hard to complain about that, but driving long distances  is still taking some time for me to get used to.  I'm happy I have a great co-pilot that doesn't mind buying me lunch.  

Ryan, Temple, Texas August 2016
Road trips require snack stops.

I hope everyone has a great day and don't let the poo emoji's get you down.

Hope

Sun shinning through, Rusty Ridge Ranch, August 2016

Today We'll be driving to the hospital, we'll see physicians that touch the lives of many people in situations similar to ours.  We'll be seeking the expert skill, knowledge and care that they offer.  The other thing that we'll be seeking is hope.  How can you offer someone hope?  People can list statistics... People can tell you what they think will happen based on experience.  To give someone hope... Even when the situation is grim, well .... Hope is the best thing you can offer.  Today I'm hopeful for some hope, just a glimmer is fine.  I'm hoping you have a great hope filled day also.  Let's keep searching for the sunshiny spots.

Ryan riding shotgun, August 2016

Rain Lillys

Texas Rain Lilly

Its been raining in Texas, quite unusual for August.  I feel like the weather is having empathy for my feelings.  The sun does sneek in appearances occasionally and that's really nice.  I'm trying to focus on the sunny spots.  When it rains little fragile Lilly's pop up everywhere.  They are such a visual treat.  Little random gifts.  I love the idea that they are happy and just bloom wherever they land, when they can.  It is a brief joyous bloom, full of life and beauty...for a very short time.  Today lets try and enjoy the rain Lilly's of life.  It might be a one time event, but what a beauty!