sunrise

We left the ranch at 7 this morning.  The sun looked like a giant red ball hanging in the sky, I remember saying how pretty it was and then dad said "if only it didn't get so hot."  The sun does get hot in Texas.   Ryan has been feeling really bad and last night was a doozy for the poor guy, so we came to the hospital.   Dad, Ryan and I are currently in the emergency room, Ryan is resting and the ER staff are buzzing in and out.  Yesterday I drove about an hour from the ranch to run errands and Ryan's little truck stopped in the middle of a busy intersection, The story ends with a tow truck.  I don't know what else is in store for us today....but I'm looking for the happy hidden spots, like the volunteer that just offered me coffee....Keep your heads up out there... I'm trying to do the same.

Quiet Places

8/29/2016

I ate an apple on the front porch yesterday evening and watched the sun go down.  The clouds looked beautiful and the way the light came through them reminded me of a masters painting.  The sunset was a spectacular show and I enjoyed every second, it reminded me that endings can be as beautiful as beginnings. This morning I'm hopeful the new day will reset everyone and we will have the best day we can.  Ryan isn't feeling well but his spirts are brite, nevertheless it will be a quiet day.  Today I'll be looking for beauty in all the quiet places.  

Time Flys

Ryan 8/28/2009

Seven years ago, That went quick.... If you have Facebook then maybe you noticed when you log on a memory pops up and a prompt says:  share your memory from ____ years ago.  I was surprized when this popped up.  Seven years ago Ryan was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. We lived in Anchorage at the time. The thyroid cancer was caused from previous childhood cancer treatment.  Ryan was referred to Seattle for treatment because his medical history is complicated and the local physicians didn't feel comfortable.  Seattle was a whirlwind of hospitals and big city.  Seattle was the complete opposite of our current country surrondings. Yesterday Ryan told me he knew it was only a matter of time before another cancer diagnoses came, the Seattle physician had callously said the cancer would be back.  As I reflect on that time seven years ago the things I remember are, a really fun pro baseball game, a yacht cruise, a trip to the top of the space needle, a visit to an aviation museum....lots of fun events.  Our current situation is different from that time, however I want to remember this time fondly, I'm trying to savior each moment.  What a gift life can be if you'll just receive the gift.  It's all in the mindset.  I'm hopeful I can be mindful to accept the gift of today and all the joy it has for me.  I hope the same for you.  

Welcome to your Life

Zinnia's Rusty Ridge Ranch

This morning I'm sitting in the MRI waiting area, my stomach in knots I'm on the verge of tears but I have a big smile on my face.  My grandmother once told me if you smile it's really hard to cry.  The sun is out, the sky is blue and it's a nice temperature out. Practically perfect, except for everything is wrong.  OK  lets focus on the positive.. Before Ryan went into the scan he showed me a video of a really cool cake it was a chocolate cake, but it looked like a barbecue pit. The cake had a hamburger patty made out of marshmallows and roasted corn out of jellybeans.  You get the idea.  Today is like that for me.  I look one way but feel another.  I'm gonna fake the inner chocolate cake vibes and hopefully my BBQ pit self will follow suite.  Lets all have a chocolate cake day, with a side of sunshine.

Walk With Me

walkway made of brick

Everything went great with Ryan's cancer treatment yesterday, as great as that kind of thing can go.  The day had drama, surprise, humor and pain. Ryan says lets focus on the positive things.  We are staying the weekend close to the hospital, with more testing tomorow, kinda like a vacation because there's a hotel involved.  To walk through this illness with him is a life changing privledge.  I'll never be the same and I wish none of this ever happened, but we all know about wishes....... So here we are walking through the fire and if he ever can't walk I'll just carry him.  Today we'll find something fun to do, even if it is nothing, nothing and more nothing.  (nothing is one of Ryan's favorite activities) I'm learning to slow down and enjoy the pace.  Have a great day everyone, we are on vacation here in Texas.   

Texas bull, Rusty Ridge Ranch 2016

Fri-Yay

Ryan 8/26/2016

We left the ranch early today, Labs are drawn and now we are hanging out in our hotel room ... waiting... Lot's of waiting is involved with cancer, or any other health problem I suppose.  Ryan will see the physician soon and proceed with treatment if all goes as planned.  We'll have a good day because we are together and because it's friday.  I've always liked Friday, Happy Fri-YaY!  

Temporary Discomfort

Rusty Ridge Ranch, 8/25/16

I just took the picture posted above, its a beautiful morning and the birds are singing.  I hear dad on the tractor mowing, mom is hanging up birdseed that she puts away every evening.  There's a raccoon family that comes out after dark they love eating the birdseed that gets put away.  The raccoons break through the bungee corded cans and feast.  Sometimes they get stuck in the can and it must be quite uncomfortable with the pressure of the bungee cord and the can lid squishing them.  Nevertheless they persist. 

Raccoon break in.

Temporary discomfort, is it worth it?  I wonder this all the time.  The raccoons don't seem to mind, they are determined to eat the birdseed.  I bet the raccoons don't stop and wonder about what might happen, they just go for it.  Today Ryan and I will get packed up for a hospital visit, we'll be staying a couple of days and hopefully the temporary discomfort will have some beneficial results.   Let's all have the equivalent of a birdseed feast today.

Road Trippin

Hico, Texas cow August 2016

Yesterday I spent over 6 hours driving.  Places I need to go seem to be really far apart.  I've spent most of my life in Anchorage where you can get anywhere in the city in under 30 minutes.  Ryan's hospital visit went great and more testing is scheduled.  The last part of my day was driving to a pharmacy about an hour from the ranch and to my dismay the prescription had not been sent in.  Y'all be proud because I just said thank you and left.  It was too late to call the physician and we just made do with what we had ..But come on..

Poo Emoji Balloon

This poo emoji Ballon was the photo I sent a friend as I left the pharmacy, it sums up my feelings.  Driving has become more routine and the things you see in the country are scenic rolling hill views, with lots of livestock.  It's hard to complain about that, but driving long distances  is still taking some time for me to get used to.  I'm happy I have a great co-pilot that doesn't mind buying me lunch.  

Ryan, Temple, Texas August 2016
Road trips require snack stops.

I hope everyone has a great day and don't let the poo emoji's get you down.

Hope

Sun shinning through, Rusty Ridge Ranch, August 2016

Today We'll be driving to the hospital, we'll see physicians that touch the lives of many people in situations similar to ours.  We'll be seeking the expert skill, knowledge and care that they offer.  The other thing that we'll be seeking is hope.  How can you offer someone hope?  People can list statistics... People can tell you what they think will happen based on experience.  To give someone hope... Even when the situation is grim, well .... Hope is the best thing you can offer.  Today I'm hopeful for some hope, just a glimmer is fine.  I'm hoping you have a great hope filled day also.  Let's keep searching for the sunshiny spots.

Ryan riding shotgun, August 2016

Rain Lillys

Texas Rain Lilly

Its been raining in Texas, quite unusual for August.  I feel like the weather is having empathy for my feelings.  The sun does sneek in appearances occasionally and that's really nice.  I'm trying to focus on the sunny spots.  When it rains little fragile Lilly's pop up everywhere.  They are such a visual treat.  Little random gifts.  I love the idea that they are happy and just bloom wherever they land, when they can.  It is a brief joyous bloom, full of life and beauty...for a very short time.  Today lets try and enjoy the rain Lilly's of life.  It might be a one time event, but what a beauty!

Too much birthday fun.....

8/20/2016  Ryan, 30 years old

Ryan's birthday fell on a Saturday this year.  All this amazing kid wanted was Mexican food and a trip to Gander Mountain.  We drove to Fort Worth, Had a great lunch with family then on to Gander Mountain.  Gander Mountain is a sporting goods store, he knew exactly what he wanted.  Fort Worth is about a two hour drive from the ranch.  Ryan slept on the way back.  When we got home I made his favorite cake and he ate most of a giant piece. Ryan's Saturday birthday was a success.  Early Sunday before the sun came up we were driving to the emergency room. Too much birthday fun?  perhaps.... Everything is OK for now, Ryan is resting.. I'm pounding this blog post out.... What does the future hold?  Who knows?  For today I'm going to be happy to be here, with Ryan, no matter where here is.

Bridges

Country Bridge, June 2016 Hico, Texas

The bridge pictured above is connecting dirt roads that are on route to mom and dads ranch.  The bridge has just enough room for one vehicle to pass at a time, this usually isn't a problem because there's not much traffic in this area.  Occasionally though, you have to stop pull over a bit and let another vehicle cross first.  This bridge seems to be a metaphor for my current situation.  I feel like I'm waiting for the other vehicle to take it's turn so I can go.  Once again Ryan is better equipped to deal with limbo than I am.  I keep saying in three weeks we'll know more about his treatment, condition, etc... Three weeks have turned into all summer.  Ryan's health conditions and treatment plans continue to change frequently, I'm still on the side of the road waiting my turn.  In my daily (normal) life I can recall feeling like I am waiting my turn.  When is it our turn?  It seems the answer to that question is right now.

Ryan & Stacey
May 2016

Something Good

Sunset, Hico Texas June 2016

The symbol in Chinese for crisis is made up of two ideographs: one means danger, the other means opportunity.  This symbol is a reminder that we can turn a crisis into an opportunity or into a negative experience.
 - Virginia Satire

The first time I heard this type of quote I was in an art class and I messed up a critical part of my art piece.  I was frustrated and wanted to start over.  The art instructor didn't agree, she said every problem is an opportunity in disguiss.  I wanted to scream!  (I'm the person that rips the notebook paper out of the binder if I don't like my hand writting.)  I proceed with my artwork and to my surprise I was able to incorporate the problem so it looked like it was planned.  Strange how you can change the way you look at something and suddenly it is different.  My hope for everyone today, myself included is to look closely at a perceived problem.  Anything good to salvage?   

Snakes

Mom and garden snake

For me there is nothing sunshiny about snakes.  Shortly after arriving at mom & dads I was sweeping the front porch and arranging flower pots, a snake was under something I picked up.  My skin crawled!  Mom relocated the garden snake to another location. I stopped my outdoor activity and retreated indoors.  When Ryan was a toddler age 3, he was diagnosed with cancer for the first time.  During a particularly trying day for me I started crying and seeing me cry Ryan started crying.  Ryan said "mom whats wrong?"  I said " I'm scared Ryan."  I was worried for his future, the awful disease that threatened his life, our situation..all the things you could image in a situation like that.  I then asked Ryan "Why are you crying?"  he said "I'm scared."  I thought he was going to say he was afraid of all the things I was thinking, all the awful things that threatened the future.  Nope, when I asked him what he was afraid of he responded with one word.  "Snakes!" I started laughing, how wise to not be afraid of the future.  To not be afraid of all the what if's. Snake's on the other hand, they are scary... Well to me.... Some people really like them......but you get the idea.  I hope to stay focused on the now and not the what if's, life just seems to flow better when we're not afraid. 

The Ranch at Hico, May 2016

Float On

Rusty Ridge Ranch, May 2016

Do you know the song Float On by Modest Mouse? Here's some  chorus lines:

Alright, Already
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on alright
Don't worry even if things end up a bit
Too heavy we'll all float on alright

This Chorus sums up our May 2016, ironicly  I had concert tickets to see this group in Anchorage this summer...we'll just have to float on from our playlist.

May 2016

The firefly's were out in full force and it was awesome to watch them, we just floated on... Searching for the part of the chorus line where it's all alright......May floated by and turned into June, Ryan lost his shaggy hair and we were all surprised when his hair fell out in a Mohawk pattern. Ryan loved his Mohawk look and so did we, it seemd to suit him.  ......We'll all float on alright................

OK maybe the firefly's are embellished here.

Some of my best friends never say a word to me...

Rusty Ridge Ranch, May 2016

How can you complain about this?  If there's a crisis and this is where you land...well at least it's breathtakingly beautiful.
May in Texas Hill-Country is spectacular!

Ryan picking me up from the airport May 2016

Ryan looked like shaggy from Scooby Do when he picked me up from the airport.  I don't remember what we said to each other, but I remember how we felt.  Sometimes feelings speak louder than anything you can say.  Ryan doesn't know Virgina Satir  but this quote is how he lives his life:
Life is not the way it's supposed to be.  It's the way it is.  The way you cope with it is what makes the difference - Virgina Satir

Virginia Satir was a 20th century psychotherapist who is often referred to as the pioneer of family therapy.

In the days to come we would be faced with overwhelming medical test results.  Coping and staying in a positive mindset is a skill. Ryan is a daily inspiration for me.  What makes you happy today? 

What do I know I just live in this body?

Ryan & Stacey August 2016
Cancer Center waiting area

In early May 2016 Ryan was driving to his yearly thyroid cancer checkup and I asked him... how do you think it'll go?  He said "what do I know I just live in this body." I'm pretty sure he knew something was up, his body hurt, he never complained or mentioned it.  It wasn't until we were cleaning out his apartment that I noticed over the counter drugs of all kinds, stuff for coughs, aches, pain relievers, sleep aids..... you name it..... he later confessed that none of it helped.  Ryan is no stranger to discomfort, his medical history is extensive, complicated and impressive; impressive in a way that makes you say (how is this kid still alive?) several healthcare workers have told Ryan that he is one of the bravest people they have encountered. I'm Stacey Ryan's mom, and this is how I see things.... I'm not a wordsmith and I'm not grammiticaly correct.  I am trying to stay afloat in this rough sea of life, and I would like a pink polka dot pool floaty and a cocktail with a toothpick umbrella please!