The New Happy

Field by my work place parking lot-3/17/17

Some days I feel like I'm in an episode of Star Trek, Star Trek was a made for TV show that featured adventures in outer space.  Every episode was a new adventure in a new place.  I"ve been living in Houston a few months now but it still feels new, different and like another planet.  I am in a new job, new car, new house, new people...new everything.....all the newness is overwhelming....it doesn't seem real, but it is.  I started grief counseling about a month ago and that has been good.  I have confirmation things are real around here from an expert.  Yesterday after work I shopped for patio pots and outdoor plants and flowers, it's spring in Houston and the temps are already into the 80's.  Flowers feel like happy and a early spring is welcomed by me.  This is a dream gardening zone for flowers and I'm excited to put a little flowering happiness around.  Let's start the weekend off happy.....whatever that is ....for me today it will be embracing the warm spring, and flowers.  I hope you have a great Saturday even if it's still winter for you....spring skiing maybe?

Tears

Dear Ryan,

Today I saw a boy, a young man really waiting for his mom while she shopped.  The young man was playing a game or looking at his phone and he was pleasantly entertained, patiently waiting for his mom...Happy to be along for the shopping trip it seemed.  I'm projecting all this on the young man because it reminded me of you. Ryan you were so patient with me, until your last breath .... patient. You were always happy to tag along.  We had some fun times doing not much, didn't we .....  I love and miss you.  Thank you for always being patient with me and for your quirky sense of humor.  Thank you for being my steadfast sidekick.  Did I mention I miss you?  Can I press rewind and have another day ...... if only I could.  I'm sending you my love, my sweet and I'm missing our time together.  

courage

Corpus Christy, Texas
 1/29/2017

From our deepest wounds lies our greatest strenghths ...... Have you ever looked away during the bad part of a movie?  I have!  sometimes I want to look away during the bad parts of my life. I want to hide my head in the sand.  It takes courage to look at the bad parts, to examine them.  I find a disconnect from the bad parts, like they cannot be a part of me; kinda like this can't be happining.  I have bulldozed my life, started fresh.  I thought I would be able to look away from the parts I didn't like, but they seem to have followed me.  I am currently trying to take a closer look at the bad parts and it is painful.  It requires courage and stamina to examine the parts we don't like.  Courage because it is painful, stamina because it takes time to hopefully heal.  I wonder if it will take longer than my lifetime to heal my wounds?  It's currently raining outside but I'm hopeful the sun will come out later today.  The weather forecast will be my emotional guide today, rain with a chance of sunshine.  I'm hopeful for that sunshine, and I know it's gonna be great when it arrives.  I hope you have a sun shinny day no matter the weather outside.

Pretty Happy.....

Birthday Flowers
12/22/2016

Pretty people are happy people, period. - Drew Barrymore

I like this quote from Drew, I think she is on to something.  I like to be happy and who doesn't want to be pretty?  I certainly feel pretty when I am happy...so the elusive happiness comes and goes like the ocean tide, alass.  Ayway, moving on.... I know that we all have the power to create change, and that we are responsible for the happiness we have, or do not have.  Is happiness a learned skill like resilience seems to be?  Perhaps.  I've said before I think diet and exercise are a big part of resilance and happiness, I'm still eating a very healthy diet and exercising daily, but that elusive happy unicorn trots in and outta my life.  Today is Saturday and I'm going to try and keep that happy going on, all day! Let's be happy and pretty today - Happy Saturday everyone.  

Happy?

Moody Gardens Festival of Lights 12/18/2016
Beachy Christmas Fun & Warm Weather.
Galveston, Texas

What does happy look like?  I've been thinking about this question all day.  Today I met with a counselor to help with grief.  During the grief counseling session she asked me, what does happy look like to you?  I thought about Ryan's smiling face, he would say " Dr. Pepper" or perhaps "Ranch Doritos" I miss that face.  Later today I watched a line of cars go through an automated car wash and the giant bright colored scrubbing brushes with all the soapy bubbles looked like happy to me.  I know she was asking what makes a happy life?  Sunshine helps to find happiness for me.  I'm living in Houston, Texas and there is plenty of sunshine and warm weather, even in January ... a bonus for me and the palm trees that grow wild around here.  My first assignment from the grief counseling session is to journal, so I will be blogging agian.  I stopped blogging because it was making someone in my life sad.  I hope if you're reading this you can find inspiration not saddness.  Life is messy sometimes and trying not to slip in the crazy that spills out  can be difficult.  The counselor also wants to know what happy looks like.  I'm pretty sure it looks like a unicorn running through a field of glitter.  I'm currently in search of my elusive happy unicorn. So, what does happy look like?  Saddle up and lets take a look.

Pulled out to Sea

Todays Sunrise, Anchorage Alaska

Anxiety finally set in, I'm leaving Anchorage in about two weeks.  I made it through today but it felt as if I was being pulled into an undercurrent throughout the day.  I worry about a new job and how it will all come together and then I think .... It's coming together just relax, easier said then done.  I remember when Ryan didn't make the cut after a seasonal job with Amazon, he went to a temp agency that day. Ryan never suffered about being layed off from work he just found a way to keep working until he was rehired by Amazon.  I marveled at his mental endurance.  Many people, me included would have taken time to regroup. Ryan just kept things moving along, always optimistic.  I feel urged to move forward and my move is coming together, an adventure.  Tonight as I write this I'm not feeling anxious anymore, but optimistic like Ryan and curious about all the new adventures awaiting me.

constant change

Anchorage, Alaska 10/23/2016

Things are constantly changing you have to make a story line with a satisfying beginning middle and end.  I've always played the game of life like bumper cars, just bumping along.  I am in the midst of making conscience decisions.  To make a new start you have endings first.  Endings can be difficult. I'd like to think I'm making the best of my endings and I feel supported by those I'm leaving behind.  In today's world you can be in contact with anyone anytime, so its not like we have to correspond through the postal service.  Nevertheless things will not be the same.  I woke to a snow storm on Friday and when it lifted on Saturday it was beautiful.  Today is Sunday and it feels really cold.  I am looking forward to milder weather, and more sunshine with a side of extra happy please.