Endurance

painted rock found outside the gym.

It's Saturday and I decided to sign up for an early spin class, the instructor seemed to be speaking to me about life, even though she was referring to our exercise class.  Spin class is an intense cardio rush lasting about an hour. The class is on stationary bikes made to exercise in and out of the bike saddle, usually with pumping music and mood lighting...really fun, motivational class...its my fav.   this morning the instructor was saying how change is made when we are most uncomfortable, get out of that comfort zone she said into her mic.  It boomed out of the speakers and hit me like a Mac truck!!!!! Growth comes when we are in pain, uncomfortable ...searching for relief.  I am trying to grow again...searching for me.  I feel my head coming above water and I'm ready to push through discomfort and grow.  Today I'm showing up, waking up and growing.  Today I am choosing happy.  I hope you are too. 

voices

Fred Hartman Bridge, Houston

The voices are familiar, I know the sounds and can sometimes predict what they will say next.  I haven't seen the familiar faces to go along with the familiar voices in a long time. Phone conversations just aren't the same as seeing people in person.    I've been in Houston over a year now.  The familiar is gone.  all the people and places I knew are still there, still moving forward....time marches on.  the familiar sound of Ryan is gone, sometimes I hear him in my mind.  I am still surprised by the newness of my surroundings, the unpredictable actions of the new people in my life, and the unfamiliar terrain of my new location.  I long for simple knowledge of predictability.  The simple truth is I ran away from home.  I thought I could start over fresh, clean slate....but the truth really is my memories came with me, and I miss them.  I feel an edginess creeping in to my being...an uneasy rest..... It's harder to find happy.   I will continue to try and stay in a content frame of mind.  Hello next phase...I feel you.....please be kind.  Love Stacey

Down the Rabbit Hole

“Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cheshire Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice: I don't much care where.
The Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
Alice: ...So long as I get somewhere.
The Cheshire Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


Alice & Wonderland seems to sum up my current living situation.  I've probably made reference to this before and it stills  continues to be true.   Today is Saturday and I'm back at the ranch in Hico.  I left work in Houston after a long Friday and made the 4 - 5 hour trek for the long weekend, (it's independence day On Tuesday and I don't have to be back to work until wednesday.)  I was driving awhile before I realized the GPS guidance system was taking me a way I hadn't been before, I seemed lost!  It occurred to me at that point while I was surrounded  by traffic that this is how my entire existence is going........ LOST!   The guidance system said I would arrive at my destination by 8pm, the guidance system seemed sure it knew where it was taking me, but it's not the way I wanted to go.  I went along anyway...following the guidance system and it got me to my destination, I would have been happier going my usual way, the way I wanted...maybe it's time to start paying attention to all the details not just following along....... I am here though and it feels wonderful to be surrounded by my tribe.  The people who know me, and love me.  My  feelings are palpable, and it's wonderful!!!

Sunset in Houston from my current backyard, 6/2017

New Sense

Rough Creek Lodge, Glen Rose Texas
Mothers Day 2017

Most of us are born with five senses, seeing, hearing, feeling, touching, smelling.  I believe I have developed a new sense, the sense of grief.  It's not so simple, learning and living with this new sense.  I suppose it's a bit like learning to walk.  I'm not sure anyone will cheer me on or clap when, and if ....  I master the art of living with this new found sense.  My new sense leeks out at the most inopportune times... Surprising everyone especially me.  It would be so convenient if we could play out emotions on demand and when deemed appropriate.  Let me say if you know someone, or you yourself are suffering with a newfound sense please be kind and inject some patience and laughter into the situation.  Mother's day was tough this year and the days before and after the holiday were filled with every emotion I've ever experienced.  I'm trying to take it all in with a big breath and allot of patience.  Today was a good day and as the day ends and I grow tired I'm thankful for the joy that still finds its way in.  Let's all have a joy filled weekend while we live with all our senses.

Living with the Dead

Fendi window display, Galleria Mall, Houston Texas

I have a fancy coffee maker, its an Nespresso machine and I love it.  The coffee is in little metal pods.  The machine squeezes out the coffee or espresso with such pressure that a delicious crema is formed on the surface of the coffee, its delicious! The Nespresso pods, once used are mailed at Nespresso's expense via UPS to recycle.  The used coffee is made into compost, the metal pod is recycled, its a lovely product all the way... The closest UPS drop off is located in a shopping center next door to a Hallmark greeting card store.  Here is where my story starts... I was running errands ..knocking the to do's off my list and there in the Hallmark store window was all the Mothers day decor. Gifts and reminders.... joyuous.. brightly colored extravaganza that we celabrate Mothers Day ... silently on the inside I fell apart. I dropped my recycle coffee pods off and called it a day.  Living with the dead is something many of us do.  I am fighting my way back to my new normal, My happy.  Today was a good day I went to a large shopping center called the Galleria.  The Galleria is filled with treasures and lined with beautiful windows decorated in interesting and fun ways.  I didn't stay long, but my time there was fun.  Sometimes even if we don't get to stay long it can be meaningful, fun and memorable.  Life seems to be made up of little moments .... Strung together .... Like shop windows in a way, always changing.  My mental shop window is currently under construction and the caution tape is drapped around everywhere.  Hopefully the caution tape can be peeled away soon...

The New Happy

Field by my work place parking lot-3/17/17

Some days I feel like I'm in an episode of Star Trek, Star Trek was a made for TV show that featured adventures in outer space.  Every episode was a new adventure in a new place.  I"ve been living in Houston a few months now but it still feels new, different and like another planet.  I am in a new job, new car, new house, new people...new everything.....all the newness is overwhelming....it doesn't seem real, but it is.  I started grief counseling about a month ago and that has been good.  I have confirmation things are real around here from an expert.  Yesterday after work I shopped for patio pots and outdoor plants and flowers, it's spring in Houston and the temps are already into the 80's.  Flowers feel like happy and a early spring is welcomed by me.  This is a dream gardening zone for flowers and I'm excited to put a little flowering happiness around.  Let's start the weekend off happy.....whatever that is ....for me today it will be embracing the warm spring, and flowers.  I hope you have a great Saturday even if it's still winter for you....spring skiing maybe?

Tears

Dear Ryan,

Today I saw a boy, a young man really waiting for his mom while she shopped.  The young man was playing a game or looking at his phone and he was pleasantly entertained, patiently waiting for his mom...Happy to be along for the shopping trip it seemed.  I'm projecting all this on the young man because it reminded me of you. Ryan you were so patient with me, until your last breath .... patient. You were always happy to tag along.  We had some fun times doing not much, didn't we .....  I love and miss you.  Thank you for always being patient with me and for your quirky sense of humor.  Thank you for being my steadfast sidekick.  Did I mention I miss you?  Can I press rewind and have another day ...... if only I could.  I'm sending you my love, my sweet and I'm missing our time together.  

courage

Corpus Christy, Texas
 1/29/2017

From our deepest wounds lies our greatest strenghths ...... Have you ever looked away during the bad part of a movie?  I have!  sometimes I want to look away during the bad parts of my life. I want to hide my head in the sand.  It takes courage to look at the bad parts, to examine them.  I find a disconnect from the bad parts, like they cannot be a part of me; kinda like this can't be happining.  I have bulldozed my life, started fresh.  I thought I would be able to look away from the parts I didn't like, but they seem to have followed me.  I am currently trying to take a closer look at the bad parts and it is painful.  It requires courage and stamina to examine the parts we don't like.  Courage because it is painful, stamina because it takes time to hopefully heal.  I wonder if it will take longer than my lifetime to heal my wounds?  It's currently raining outside but I'm hopeful the sun will come out later today.  The weather forecast will be my emotional guide today, rain with a chance of sunshine.  I'm hopeful for that sunshine, and I know it's gonna be great when it arrives.  I hope you have a sun shinny day no matter the weather outside.

Pretty Happy.....

Birthday Flowers
12/22/2016

Pretty people are happy people, period. - Drew Barrymore

I like this quote from Drew, I think she is on to something.  I like to be happy and who doesn't want to be pretty?  I certainly feel pretty when I am happy...so the elusive happiness comes and goes like the ocean tide, alass.  Ayway, moving on.... I know that we all have the power to create change, and that we are responsible for the happiness we have, or do not have.  Is happiness a learned skill like resilience seems to be?  Perhaps.  I've said before I think diet and exercise are a big part of resilance and happiness, I'm still eating a very healthy diet and exercising daily, but that elusive happy unicorn trots in and outta my life.  Today is Saturday and I'm going to try and keep that happy going on, all day! Let's be happy and pretty today - Happy Saturday everyone.  

Happy?

Moody Gardens Festival of Lights 12/18/2016
Beachy Christmas Fun & Warm Weather.
Galveston, Texas

What does happy look like?  I've been thinking about this question all day.  Today I met with a counselor to help with grief.  During the grief counseling session she asked me, what does happy look like to you?  I thought about Ryan's smiling face, he would say " Dr. Pepper" or perhaps "Ranch Doritos" I miss that face.  Later today I watched a line of cars go through an automated car wash and the giant bright colored scrubbing brushes with all the soapy bubbles looked like happy to me.  I know she was asking what makes a happy life?  Sunshine helps to find happiness for me.  I'm living in Houston, Texas and there is plenty of sunshine and warm weather, even in January ... a bonus for me and the palm trees that grow wild around here.  My first assignment from the grief counseling session is to journal, so I will be blogging agian.  I stopped blogging because it was making someone in my life sad.  I hope if you're reading this you can find inspiration not saddness.  Life is messy sometimes and trying not to slip in the crazy that spills out  can be difficult.  The counselor also wants to know what happy looks like.  I'm pretty sure it looks like a unicorn running through a field of glitter.  I'm currently in search of my elusive happy unicorn. So, what does happy look like?  Saddle up and lets take a look.

Pulled out to Sea

Todays Sunrise, Anchorage Alaska

Anxiety finally set in, I'm leaving Anchorage in about two weeks.  I made it through today but it felt as if I was being pulled into an undercurrent throughout the day.  I worry about a new job and how it will all come together and then I think .... It's coming together just relax, easier said then done.  I remember when Ryan didn't make the cut after a seasonal job with Amazon, he went to a temp agency that day. Ryan never suffered about being layed off from work he just found a way to keep working until he was rehired by Amazon.  I marveled at his mental endurance.  Many people, me included would have taken time to regroup. Ryan just kept things moving along, always optimistic.  I feel urged to move forward and my move is coming together, an adventure.  Tonight as I write this I'm not feeling anxious anymore, but optimistic like Ryan and curious about all the new adventures awaiting me.

constant change

Anchorage, Alaska 10/23/2016

Things are constantly changing you have to make a story line with a satisfying beginning middle and end.  I've always played the game of life like bumper cars, just bumping along.  I am in the midst of making conscience decisions.  To make a new start you have endings first.  Endings can be difficult. I'd like to think I'm making the best of my endings and I feel supported by those I'm leaving behind.  In today's world you can be in contact with anyone anytime, so its not like we have to correspond through the postal service.  Nevertheless things will not be the same.  I woke to a snow storm on Friday and when it lifted on Saturday it was beautiful.  Today is Sunday and it feels really cold.  I am looking forward to milder weather, and more sunshine with a side of extra happy please.

Strong Soldiers

Anchorage 10/15/2016

As I drove by a church today the marquee outside read :  God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers.  I feel battle worn today, but I'm still moving forward.  Thoughts of days ahead spin in my mind and I wonder what Ryan is doing and thinking and does he know I'm thinking of him?  I'm hopeful he is too busy being happy to wonder about me.  I have packed boxes, made arrangements and bought a ticket to ride, but I still have more to do.  The day outside looked like a fall day from a movie the blue sky against the gold leaves was stunning and it will turn into a crisp clear night with a bright full moon.  The northern lights have made appearances the last few nights and it really is phenomenal.  I stopped by a favorite downtown shop and saw a friend I have known since highschool, we hugged almost forever.  It was wonderful to see her and we promised each other we would have dinner together soon.  It seems I always think there will be more time, another occasion to visit but what I have learned is no moment repeats, its just this once and then the next one and so on.  I recommend to myself that I would appreciate each individual moment for the unique and beautiful moment that it is, never to repeat.  What a beautiful moment it was and I'm hopeful for more even if they are different.

Down the Rabbit Hole

sunrise, view from work 

When was the last time you jumped down a rabbit hole?  Well here I go.  Nervous you ask, no not really.  I feel hopeful, hopeful in a new way.  Hopeful for new beginnings and adventures.  I'm emotionaly Raw and ready for change.  Don't be sad, it's an exciting day and you only live once.  Anchorage I will enjoy you a while longer but our time is growing short and so are your daylight hours and that has me seeking sunshine somewhere else.  Today I'll enjoy old friends and look forward to new ones.  No distance will keep friends apart we are only as far away as our hearts let us be, and my heart beats now for some that are far away.

The speed of life.

Work Selfie 10/2016

I had made my mind up that I wanted a new life before I landed in the place I had once loved.  When I arrived at work early Wednesday morning I opened my locker and was surprised with streamers, confetti and a great card complete with mermaid and unicorn drawings.  I Love my work family, we are great friends and we really have a good time together.  The problem isn't you, It's me and I like to drink my coffee outside, watching the birds with the morning sun. If you can't tell I've decided to leave Alaska, leave my life ... my life that hasen't been my life for awhile.  It was strange to walk back into my life after six months of not having my normal routine, nothing seems normal about my routine now.   What am I in search of you ask?  I want it all!  I want a life full of fun, happiness, warmth, friends and family.  You see life goes by really fast ..... and I want to participate at the speed of life ... and that's really fast ... Today I will get sweaty, I'll eat healthy and I will smile ..... alot ... I hope you will too.

last night

Sedona, Arizona 10/3/2016

The sky looked amazing as usual, Pam pulled the car over and I took this photo on our way to dinner.  I'm Currently in Seattle waiting for the next flight, the flight to Anchorage.  I have felt anxious all day and the thoughts about landing in the life I left 6 months ago are racing through my mind.  I'll get back late this evening and head to work early, hit the ground running as they say.  I wonder if my favorite Pilates class is full and will I be off work in time to attend the Pilates class?  Normal thoughts from 6 months ago.. Somehow I feel like an invader in someone else's life though.  I'll let y'all know how it goes ... please wish me luck .... I think I'll need it.

Unknown

Fall colors 9/2016
Flagstaff, Arizona

As I notice the the colors changing in the foliage around me I'm aware of the changes within me.  I'm currently listening to a song that says:

1, 2, 3 Let go...theres nothing that you can't do ... the only way to know 1, 2, 3 let go......  Let her fly into the unknown .....  

So here I go ..... Happy Sunday everyone lets all have an adventure today because there's nothing we can't do........

Road trips and good friends

Flagstaff Arizona 9/30/2016

Yesterday my friend Pam and I drove to Flagstaff, we turned the music up and sang all the way there.  The drive was beautiful and the sky looked like an art show the whole day.  We visited cool shops, then stopped for a mojito at a Latin grill.  I sat under the outdoor heater while drinking my summer cocktail pretending I was still in the Texas heat.  Today we are contemplating another road trip, whatever the day has in store we will be together and we will laugh and hold hands and hang on, because that's what friends are for....

Life's tough my darling, but so are you.

Sedona, Arizona 9/20

Life's tough my darling, but so are you.  

Sadness flowed through yesterday, actually it started the day before and lasted about 24 hours.  This morning I feel relief, and am drinking coffee with a slight smile.  The tears started and nausea set in and I felt as if I had been hit by a truck.  The Sedona sky was overcast and it rained on and off all day and into the evening, I'm sure it was the dessert feeling empathetic for me.  The Sedona sky is blue this morning the red rocks are gleaming the trees are green and gold, and I'm feeling alive.   Today Life is good.  The sun is creeping over the mountains soon to warm the day and I'm looking forward to that. I'm hopeful we'll all have a great Friday with friends and sunshine and laughing, that's going to be my prescription today.   

Best Life

Jerome, Arizona 9/27/2016

Yesterday involved a trip to a funky town called Jerome. I've been to Jerome before and each time I go its a new experience, I recommend a visit if you ever have the oppuritunity.  Jerome is an old mining town built on a mountain Dr. Suess style.  I planned on buying feather earrings made by one of the local Hippy's but left Jerome purchasing only a great dress.  My friends and I had lunch in an old hotel called the Asylum its haunted of course, what decent old hotel would'nt be haunted?  Halloween is big business in Jerome and everywhere you looked someone was decorating for Halloween.  My friends and I had a fun, relaxing day.  I'm not sure what today has in store, the day will unfold organically and I love that, plans are sometimes overrated my opinion.  Right now on a bigger scheme I'm planning for my future, What will my best life hold for me?  Today lets all think about our best life, what does that look like? I want to live in technicolor with a side of sunshiny happiness .... Can this be our reality ...the answer is simple ..... YES!

Jerome, Az jail ...