Down the Rabbit Hole

“Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cheshire Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice: I don't much care where.
The Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
Alice: ...So long as I get somewhere.
The Cheshire Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


Alice & Wonderland seems to sum up my current living situation.  I've probably made reference to this before and it stills  continues to be true.   Today is Saturday and I'm back at the ranch in Hico.  I left work in Houston after a long Friday and made the 4 - 5 hour trek for the long weekend, (it's independence day On Tuesday and I don't have to be back to work until wednesday.)  I was driving awhile before I realized the GPS guidance system was taking me a way I hadn't been before, I seemed lost!  It occurred to me at that point while I was surrounded  by traffic that this is how my entire existence is going........ LOST!   The guidance system said I would arrive at my destination by 8pm, the guidance system seemed sure it knew where it was taking me, but it's not the way I wanted to go.  I went along anyway...following the guidance system and it got me to my destination, I would have been happier going my usual way, the way I wanted...maybe it's time to start paying attention to all the details not just following along....... I am here though and it feels wonderful to be surrounded by my tribe.  The people who know me, and love me.  My  feelings are palpable, and it's wonderful!!!

Sunset in Houston from my current backyard, 6/2017

New Sense

Rough Creek Lodge, Glen Rose Texas
Mothers Day 2017

Most of us are born with five senses, seeing, hearing, feeling, touching, smelling.  I believe I have developed a new sense, the sense of grief.  It's not so simple, learning and living with this new sense.  I suppose it's a bit like learning to walk.  I'm not sure anyone will cheer me on or clap when, and if ....  I master the art of living with this new found sense.  My new sense leeks out at the most inopportune times... Surprising everyone especially me.  It would be so convenient if we could play out emotions on demand and when deemed appropriate.  Let me say if you know someone, or you yourself are suffering with a newfound sense please be kind and inject some patience and laughter into the situation.  Mother's day was tough this year and the days before and after the holiday were filled with every emotion I've ever experienced.  I'm trying to take it all in with a big breath and allot of patience.  Today was a good day and as the day ends and I grow tired I'm thankful for the joy that still finds its way in.  Let's all have a joy filled weekend while we live with all our senses.

Living with the Dead

Fendi window display, Galleria Mall, Houston Texas

I have a fancy coffee maker, its an Nespresso machine and I love it.  The coffee is in little metal pods.  The machine squeezes out the coffee or espresso with such pressure that a delicious crema is formed on the surface of the coffee, its delicious! The Nespresso pods, once used are mailed at Nespresso's expense via UPS to recycle.  The used coffee is made into compost, the metal pod is recycled, its a lovely product all the way... The closest UPS drop off is located in a shopping center next door to a Hallmark greeting card store.  Here is where my story starts... I was running errands ..knocking the to do's off my list and there in the Hallmark store window was all the Mothers day decor. Gifts and reminders.... joyuous.. brightly colored extravaganza that we celabrate Mothers Day ... silently on the inside I fell apart. I dropped my recycle coffee pods off and called it a day.  Living with the dead is something many of us do.  I am fighting my way back to my new normal, My happy.  Today was a good day I went to a large shopping center called the Galleria.  The Galleria is filled with treasures and lined with beautiful windows decorated in interesting and fun ways.  I didn't stay long, but my time there was fun.  Sometimes even if we don't get to stay long it can be meaningful, fun and memorable.  Life seems to be made up of little moments .... Strung together .... Like shop windows in a way, always changing.  My mental shop window is currently under construction and the caution tape is drapped around everywhere.  Hopefully the caution tape can be peeled away soon...

The New Happy

Field by my work place parking lot-3/17/17

Some days I feel like I'm in an episode of Star Trek, Star Trek was a made for TV show that featured adventures in outer space.  Every episode was a new adventure in a new place.  I"ve been living in Houston a few months now but it still feels new, different and like another planet.  I am in a new job, new car, new house, new people...new everything.....all the newness is overwhelming....it doesn't seem real, but it is.  I started grief counseling about a month ago and that has been good.  I have confirmation things are real around here from an expert.  Yesterday after work I shopped for patio pots and outdoor plants and flowers, it's spring in Houston and the temps are already into the 80's.  Flowers feel like happy and a early spring is welcomed by me.  This is a dream gardening zone for flowers and I'm excited to put a little flowering happiness around.  Let's start the weekend off happy.....whatever that is ....for me today it will be embracing the warm spring, and flowers.  I hope you have a great Saturday even if it's still winter for you....spring skiing maybe?

Tears

Dear Ryan,

Today I saw a boy, a young man really waiting for his mom while she shopped.  The young man was playing a game or looking at his phone and he was pleasantly entertained, patiently waiting for his mom...Happy to be along for the shopping trip it seemed.  I'm projecting all this on the young man because it reminded me of you. Ryan you were so patient with me, until your last breath .... patient. You were always happy to tag along.  We had some fun times doing not much, didn't we .....  I love and miss you.  Thank you for always being patient with me and for your quirky sense of humor.  Thank you for being my steadfast sidekick.  Did I mention I miss you?  Can I press rewind and have another day ...... if only I could.  I'm sending you my love, my sweet and I'm missing our time together.  

courage

Corpus Christy, Texas
 1/29/2017

From our deepest wounds lies our greatest strenghths ...... Have you ever looked away during the bad part of a movie?  I have!  sometimes I want to look away during the bad parts of my life. I want to hide my head in the sand.  It takes courage to look at the bad parts, to examine them.  I find a disconnect from the bad parts, like they cannot be a part of me; kinda like this can't be happining.  I have bulldozed my life, started fresh.  I thought I would be able to look away from the parts I didn't like, but they seem to have followed me.  I am currently trying to take a closer look at the bad parts and it is painful.  It requires courage and stamina to examine the parts we don't like.  Courage because it is painful, stamina because it takes time to hopefully heal.  I wonder if it will take longer than my lifetime to heal my wounds?  It's currently raining outside but I'm hopeful the sun will come out later today.  The weather forecast will be my emotional guide today, rain with a chance of sunshine.  I'm hopeful for that sunshine, and I know it's gonna be great when it arrives.  I hope you have a sun shinny day no matter the weather outside.

Pretty Happy.....

Birthday Flowers
12/22/2016

Pretty people are happy people, period. - Drew Barrymore

I like this quote from Drew, I think she is on to something.  I like to be happy and who doesn't want to be pretty?  I certainly feel pretty when I am happy...so the elusive happiness comes and goes like the ocean tide, alass.  Ayway, moving on.... I know that we all have the power to create change, and that we are responsible for the happiness we have, or do not have.  Is happiness a learned skill like resilience seems to be?  Perhaps.  I've said before I think diet and exercise are a big part of resilance and happiness, I'm still eating a very healthy diet and exercising daily, but that elusive happy unicorn trots in and outta my life.  Today is Saturday and I'm going to try and keep that happy going on, all day! Let's be happy and pretty today - Happy Saturday everyone.  

Happy?

Moody Gardens Festival of Lights 12/18/2016
Beachy Christmas Fun & Warm Weather.
Galveston, Texas

What does happy look like?  I've been thinking about this question all day.  Today I met with a counselor to help with grief.  During the grief counseling session she asked me, what does happy look like to you?  I thought about Ryan's smiling face, he would say " Dr. Pepper" or perhaps "Ranch Doritos" I miss that face.  Later today I watched a line of cars go through an automated car wash and the giant bright colored scrubbing brushes with all the soapy bubbles looked like happy to me.  I know she was asking what makes a happy life?  Sunshine helps to find happiness for me.  I'm living in Houston, Texas and there is plenty of sunshine and warm weather, even in January ... a bonus for me and the palm trees that grow wild around here.  My first assignment from the grief counseling session is to journal, so I will be blogging agian.  I stopped blogging because it was making someone in my life sad.  I hope if you're reading this you can find inspiration not saddness.  Life is messy sometimes and trying not to slip in the crazy that spills out  can be difficult.  The counselor also wants to know what happy looks like.  I'm pretty sure it looks like a unicorn running through a field of glitter.  I'm currently in search of my elusive happy unicorn. So, what does happy look like?  Saddle up and lets take a look.