Endurance

painted rock found outside the gym.

It's Saturday and I decided to sign up for an early spin class, the instructor seemed to be speaking to me about life, even though she was referring to our exercise class.  Spin class is an intense cardio rush lasting about an hour. The class is on stationary bikes made to exercise in and out of the bike saddle, usually with pumping music and mood lighting...really fun, motivational class...its my fav.   this morning the instructor was saying how change is made when we are most uncomfortable, get out of that comfort zone she said into her mic.  It boomed out of the speakers and hit me like a Mac truck!!!!! Growth comes when we are in pain, uncomfortable ...searching for relief.  I am trying to grow again...searching for me.  I feel my head coming above water and I'm ready to push through discomfort and grow.  Today I'm showing up, waking up and growing.  Today I am choosing happy.  I hope you are too. 

voices

Fred Hartman Bridge, Houston

The voices are familiar, I know the sounds and can sometimes predict what they will say next.  I haven't seen the familiar faces to go along with the familiar voices in a long time. Phone conversations just aren't the same as seeing people in person.    I've been in Houston over a year now.  The familiar is gone.  all the people and places I knew are still there, still moving forward....time marches on.  the familiar sound of Ryan is gone, sometimes I hear him in my mind.  I am still surprised by the newness of my surroundings, the unpredictable actions of the new people in my life, and the unfamiliar terrain of my new location.  I long for simple knowledge of predictability.  The simple truth is I ran away from home.  I thought I could start over fresh, clean slate....but the truth really is my memories came with me, and I miss them.  I feel an edginess creeping in to my being...an uneasy rest..... It's harder to find happy.   I will continue to try and stay in a content frame of mind.  Hello next phase...I feel you.....please be kind.  Love Stacey

Down the Rabbit Hole

“Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cheshire Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice: I don't much care where.
The Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
Alice: ...So long as I get somewhere.
The Cheshire Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


Alice & Wonderland seems to sum up my current living situation.  I've probably made reference to this before and it stills  continues to be true.   Today is Saturday and I'm back at the ranch in Hico.  I left work in Houston after a long Friday and made the 4 - 5 hour trek for the long weekend, (it's independence day On Tuesday and I don't have to be back to work until wednesday.)  I was driving awhile before I realized the GPS guidance system was taking me a way I hadn't been before, I seemed lost!  It occurred to me at that point while I was surrounded  by traffic that this is how my entire existence is going........ LOST!   The guidance system said I would arrive at my destination by 8pm, the guidance system seemed sure it knew where it was taking me, but it's not the way I wanted to go.  I went along anyway...following the guidance system and it got me to my destination, I would have been happier going my usual way, the way I wanted...maybe it's time to start paying attention to all the details not just following along....... I am here though and it feels wonderful to be surrounded by my tribe.  The people who know me, and love me.  My  feelings are palpable, and it's wonderful!!!

Sunset in Houston from my current backyard, 6/2017

New Sense

Rough Creek Lodge, Glen Rose Texas
Mothers Day 2017

Most of us are born with five senses, seeing, hearing, feeling, touching, smelling.  I believe I have developed a new sense, the sense of grief.  It's not so simple, learning and living with this new sense.  I suppose it's a bit like learning to walk.  I'm not sure anyone will cheer me on or clap when, and if ....  I master the art of living with this new found sense.  My new sense leeks out at the most inopportune times... Surprising everyone especially me.  It would be so convenient if we could play out emotions on demand and when deemed appropriate.  Let me say if you know someone, or you yourself are suffering with a newfound sense please be kind and inject some patience and laughter into the situation.  Mother's day was tough this year and the days before and after the holiday were filled with every emotion I've ever experienced.  I'm trying to take it all in with a big breath and allot of patience.  Today was a good day and as the day ends and I grow tired I'm thankful for the joy that still finds its way in.  Let's all have a joy filled weekend while we live with all our senses.

Living with the Dead

Fendi window display, Galleria Mall, Houston Texas

I have a fancy coffee maker, its an Nespresso machine and I love it.  The coffee is in little metal pods.  The machine squeezes out the coffee or espresso with such pressure that a delicious crema is formed on the surface of the coffee, its delicious! The Nespresso pods, once used are mailed at Nespresso's expense via UPS to recycle.  The used coffee is made into compost, the metal pod is recycled, its a lovely product all the way... The closest UPS drop off is located in a shopping center next door to a Hallmark greeting card store.  Here is where my story starts... I was running errands ..knocking the to do's off my list and there in the Hallmark store window was all the Mothers day decor. Gifts and reminders.... joyuous.. brightly colored extravaganza that we celabrate Mothers Day ... silently on the inside I fell apart. I dropped my recycle coffee pods off and called it a day.  Living with the dead is something many of us do.  I am fighting my way back to my new normal, My happy.  Today was a good day I went to a large shopping center called the Galleria.  The Galleria is filled with treasures and lined with beautiful windows decorated in interesting and fun ways.  I didn't stay long, but my time there was fun.  Sometimes even if we don't get to stay long it can be meaningful, fun and memorable.  Life seems to be made up of little moments .... Strung together .... Like shop windows in a way, always changing.  My mental shop window is currently under construction and the caution tape is drapped around everywhere.  Hopefully the caution tape can be peeled away soon...

The New Happy

Field by my work place parking lot-3/17/17

Some days I feel like I'm in an episode of Star Trek, Star Trek was a made for TV show that featured adventures in outer space.  Every episode was a new adventure in a new place.  I"ve been living in Houston a few months now but it still feels new, different and like another planet.  I am in a new job, new car, new house, new people...new everything.....all the newness is overwhelming....it doesn't seem real, but it is.  I started grief counseling about a month ago and that has been good.  I have confirmation things are real around here from an expert.  Yesterday after work I shopped for patio pots and outdoor plants and flowers, it's spring in Houston and the temps are already into the 80's.  Flowers feel like happy and a early spring is welcomed by me.  This is a dream gardening zone for flowers and I'm excited to put a little flowering happiness around.  Let's start the weekend off happy.....whatever that is ....for me today it will be embracing the warm spring, and flowers.  I hope you have a great Saturday even if it's still winter for you....spring skiing maybe?

Tears

Dear Ryan,

Today I saw a boy, a young man really waiting for his mom while she shopped.  The young man was playing a game or looking at his phone and he was pleasantly entertained, patiently waiting for his mom...Happy to be along for the shopping trip it seemed.  I'm projecting all this on the young man because it reminded me of you. Ryan you were so patient with me, until your last breath .... patient. You were always happy to tag along.  We had some fun times doing not much, didn't we .....  I love and miss you.  Thank you for always being patient with me and for your quirky sense of humor.  Thank you for being my steadfast sidekick.  Did I mention I miss you?  Can I press rewind and have another day ...... if only I could.  I'm sending you my love, my sweet and I'm missing our time together.